I just read a blog post of my friend's about how much life has changed. And how she couldn't talk to anyone about it, her suppressed and mixed feelings about these changes. For one, I felt bad because I'm fairly close to her, but I know there are things you don't feel like you can tell anyone. Two, it got me paranoid that it might be directing towards me. And three, life has changed, so much..
Within a year, my life has change so much. But it always does, every time a new year approaches, I always think back at how much my life has changed within that year. Last year, I was crushing on someone I knew I could never be with. I was also a part of a bond which I thought was unbreakable. I was a part of a group whose bonds were extremely strong. I had a boy I could turn to. I was still in the midst of holding my longest grudge. I couldn't speak a word to my first ex. I completely forgot about my second.
A year later I don't even remember what it feels like to have a crush on someone. That giddy feeling when they talk to you. When you feel like you're soaring. Your heart skips a beat. The corners of your mouth begin to curve up without even knowing it. Fantasising about the scenarios of what could happen if they returned your feelings. Yeah, I don't know what it feels like anymore. Then again, I like it this way, I don't need romance in my life, I don't want it.
That bond, it was with three other girls. And I know that every who's reading my blog most likely knows who I'm talking about. Our bond grew initially from year 7, and it grew stronger and stronger. And last year, it was especially strong. It was like nothing could pull us apart. And everyone knew that. No one dared to try to break us up, and if someone did, we could always feel it and we would talk to each other about it. It made our friendship just that much more stronger. A year later, it's not as strong. Honestly, I don't even know if it's there anymore.. I would like that assurance we gave each other, but hey, things change.
My group, I have heard from other people that our friendship is one that is hard to find and maintain throughout high school. I remember when I wanted to move schools, my year advisor told me I was never going to find a group of friends like them again. I knew he was right. We get criticised a lot, but the thing is, we couldn't care less. Because we know how we feel towards each other. That's what always lets us pull through. A year later, I can feel us walking away. I know we were bound to separate anyway, but I didn't expect it to be so soon. I mean, we still go out together and everything, but it's obvious that it's not the same, it's weaker.
That boy, I can still consider him my best friend. But it's definitely not the same. We used to talk every single day, every minute we were both on. It was what we did, talk and talk and talk. I could just spill my feelings out to him and he would be so so supportive and understanding. A year later, we don't talk every day. We don't talk every minute. I don't spill my feelings to him. He doesn't spill his feelings to me. It's not the same, but it's not a friendship I'm letting go of either.
My biggest grudge. I held that in for about two years. I hated his guts. I mean, he got hit because of me. And I know I'm not proud of that. A year later, our friendship is restored. Surprising myself even, I find him so easy to talk to. And he finds it the same towards me. If anyone didn't know better, they would have no idea that we hated each other's guts for about two years. There's always a bit I can't let go of though. It's there. It always will be.
My first ex, wow. I couldn't speak a word to him! I didn't hate him that time, but it was just plain awkward. I found him weird. I didn't think that in a few months time, we would actually become good friends. Now, nearly a year later, when I see him, something tugs onto me and lets me know that I can look up to him as a brother. He has a protective vibe to him. It's assuring. And hey, he's head over heels for a girl who I've known my whole life so she's family, how am I not supposed to be good friends with him?
I always found my second ex to be a touchy subject. A lot of speculation went around about us, but I didn't care. It was a special time for me. It's a shame that we completely lost contact. A year later, I regret the last time we spoke, how I acted. It wasn't something I'm proud of. I want to catch up with him and his brother, since we were close. He made me feel special. Happy.
On another note, I know this post is really deep. And this will probably be the deepest post I will ever make. I just felt like writing it. I don't care what negative responses there are to this. I really don't. Because for some of the touchier ones, I know I'm not alone on it. And yes, I know this will probably be spoken about, but whatever.
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